


In Sync From The Beginning

by cecilia095



Category: New Girl
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5946646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilia095/pseuds/cecilia095
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I actually do have a date to Jamie's wedding, Ma. I have a wife." <b>AU.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	In Sync From The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a sucker for the Fake Married trope, and I hope you are too. This was SO FUN TO WRITE. Ness 4ever, etc. etc. etc. 
> 
> (ALSO WHY DO I KEEP WRITING AUs?!)
> 
> ((ALSO ALSO I MIGHT *MIGHT* WRITE A FOLLOW-UP TO THIS SOMEDAY BECAUSE JESS/NICK/THE MILLERS IS INTRIGUING TO ME.))

"Jamie didn't give you a Plus One because... well... Nicky, let's face it, do you  _ever_ have a Plus One for  _anything_?"

"I actually  _do_ have a date to Jamie's wedding, Ma. I have a  _wife_."

"Y-You got married and didn't invite any of us, Nicky?" She's about to have a heart attack, he can sense it over the phone.

"Um." He clears his throat and thinks about all of the deep shit he's going to be in, but then he says, "Uh, yeah. Quick City Hall wedding. I'm a bartender, Ma."

"A bartender who could've had my help if he asked," his mom says. "What is she, hideous? Are you embarrassed of her?"

He thinks of all of the girls he knows and knows none of them will go for this. Lucy from Schmidt's gym thinks he's a joke, Schmidt's fiancée and her model-friends would  _never_ , Caroline told him to, "Eat a dick, Miller! And stop leaving me drunk voicemails!" Yeah. About that.

"She's... actually beautiful," he says quickly. "We'll see you at the wedding. Tell Jamie to stop being such a jackass. Bye, Ma."

—

"You did  _what_ , Nicholas?"

Schmidt refills Nick's coffee -- _"I wanted a beer!" "It's eleven A.M., Nicholas. Do you want to die?" "Right now? Kind of."_

"I..." Nick takes a sip of his coffee and wrinkles his nose. "Thank you. Um. I kind of told my mom I was married."

Winston sets down the newspaper he's pretending to read and goes, "What the --  _Why_?"

"Because... Because I don't know. Because I'm tired of being in my thirties and having nothing to show for it," Nick says.

Schmidt rounds the corner and kisses the top of Nick's shoulder, ignoring the way Nick shudders and says, "Gross, man, don't."

"Nicholas, you've... you've accomplished a lot. I mean, you haven't been in marketing for over nearly ten years and you're not engaged to a model, but..."

"Your fiancée works at my bar part-time and what the fuck is 'over nearly ten years', my man? Don't be a douche right now."

Schmidt shakes his head and takes a seat next to Nick. "What I'm trying to say is," he says, "you shouldn't have lied to Bonnie."

"He's right man," says Winston. "Where the hell you gonna find a  _wife_? You can't even find a one-night stand."

Nick says, "Don't remind me, man" through gritted teeth, and then he says, "Doesn't Cece have any, I don't know, subpar, kind of cute but not  _too cute_ , non-model friends?"

Schmidt starts to crack up, setting down his coffee mug. "You could always take Nadia. She  _loves_ roleplaying."

Nadia is Cece's roommate. Real crazy, real Russian, real Probably-Would-Accompany-Nick-To-A-Wedding-And-Embarrass-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Him.

"Absolutely not," Nick protests. "Don't think I forgot about that time Nadia broke your penis, dude. I'm not letting her near me."

"You and Cece are both  _so_ stuck on that," Schmidt says, shaking his head. "My penis works  _just fine_ now, you both know this."

"I DON'T KNOW THIS AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THIS AND I WANT YOU TO STOP SHOWING ME YOUR PENIS WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, MAN."

"Hey, wait, what about Cece's best friend?", Winston asks after Nick is done grilling Schmidt about the whole Penis Thing. "Like, you know, the one who hates hanging out around us because Nick called her skirt 'groovy' that one time."

"Wait, who,  _Jess_?" Nick laughs. "That skirt  _was_ groovy, for your information, and if you're actually referring to Jess, then  _no_. Absolutely not."

"What's wrong with Jess, man?", asks Schmidt. "She's kind of cool, and she's like, a solid nine."

Nick grunts, then shakes his head in a panic. "I - I - I can't," he stutters. "End of discussion."

"What did you do, Nick Miller?", Winston asks, because he's known Nick since they were kids, since before girls were cool, since their moms dressed them in matching jerseys and made them pose side-by-side on the front lawn because, " _You're gonna thank us for pictures like these in a few years! You boys look so cute!_ "

(They never thanked their moms, by-the-way, but Schmidt did, and then he hung all of the pictures on their fridge like some sort of weird collage. It makes him laugh.)

Nick says, "Nick Miller... did...  _nothing_."

"I don't believe you, man," says Winston. "Do you want Schmidt to leave the room?"

Nick's like, "I  _always_ want Schmidt to leave the room. Schmidt, don't you have work, or a fiancée, or like... other friends?"

Schmidt grabs his coffee mug and the newspaper and stands up from the table dramatically, but before he leaves the kitchen, he turns around and says, "No. Just you buffoons. Schmidty, out."

"What's his problem like, ninety-nine percent of the time?", says Winston.

"That's just how he is, you know this." Nick says. "Okay, so, about Jess. No. I can't ask her to be my wife."

"I understand that, but like... What did you  _do_." Winston isn't even asking it like a question, and okay, okay, just --

"We had... a moment at Cece's birthday party in October," Nick says, his eyes squinted, looking away from Winston and to the fridge. Winston obviously wants him to elaborate. "Do you remember when you and Schmidt got Super Super Drunk, and Cece took you both outside and yelled at you for embarrassing her, but then  _she_ got Super Super Drunk too, and all three of you tried to figure out how a keg worked for like, forty-five minutes. Dummies."

Winston says, "Well, I don't  _remember_ , because I was dead-ass-drunk, but you told us in great detail the next day."

"Right. Anyway. Jess  _wasn't_  dead-ass-drunk, and she had school the next day, because she's a Teacher of Students or whatever. Cece and Schmidt were her ride, and obviously they were shitfaced, so I -- I offered to bring her home."

Winston's intrigued. "Well, did you?"

"I was outside looking for my car, and I -- Okay, you know how my car doesn't -- My car is older than I am. No beep-beep keys. I couldn't find it."

"Great story, Nick. Please, keep going."

"Right?! Wait. Are you -- You're mocking me. Quit doing that, man. You make me never wanna tell stories  _ever_ , and I'm a  _writer_."

"You're a lazy bartender with a laptop, but..."

"Jess helped me look for my car, and after like, twenty minutes of looking we found it, and before we got in I pressed her up against the car and tried to -- I tried to kiss her, man."

" _Why_?!", yells Winston.

Nick shrugs. "Because I thought it'd be sexy? Because I'm an idiot? Because I can't read the signs? Anyway, she freaked out, said she had a boyfriend, and then she called him and he came and got her and I haven't seen her since because I'm too embarrassed."

Winston laughs like it's not a big deal. "Do you know how many girls have freaked out on me with the, "I have a boyfriend!" line? Like, a lot."

"That's why you've been alone for years, man!", Nick yells, and then he goes, "Sorry, sorry, that was mean, I take it back."

" _Thank you_."

"Look, would Jess be the ideal girl to bring back home to Chicago and wave in Jamie's face? Absolutely. She's got Crazy Eyes, but she's also Crazy Hot. But no. I can't."

—

"So, Cece talked to Jess," Schmidt says nonchalantly over crêpes and coffee the next day.

Nick drops his fork and widens his eyes. "What the -- Dude! No. No she didn't."

"I mean, Cece kind of always talks to Jess, so..."

"About  _me_ ," Nick says pointedly. "What did she say?"

"Exactly what it took to convince Jess to be your wife," Schmidt says.

"For real?" Nick feels his face get hot, and Schmidt just nods. "What -- So she -- She'll do it?"

—

"Only if you take her out first," says Cece, and then Nick's slipping into -- Okay,  _struggling with_ \-- his tie. "She's still a lady, and she's still my best friend, and if you hurt her, even  _pretend_ hurt her, from now until this wedding, I'll cut your balls off when you're sleeping and serve them to you with your cereal the next morning. I will."

"Come on, Cece, I'm not gonna hurt Jess," he says, right as Schmidt comes up behind him and unties his tie.

"Will you ever learn to tie one of these properly, Nicholas?", he asks, and then he re-ties it himself and shakes his head. "Where are you taking her?"

"Um, to this... To the bar," Nick says.

"The bar where we work?", asks Cece, and she looks pissed. "Jess can't even handle like, two drinks. She gets twirly. Take her to a real restaurant."

"Cece, I'm poor. And what the hell is 'twirly'?", Nick asks, and then he just shakes his head. "I just want to get to know her a bit before we get married, that's all."

—

He pretends he's not nervous when he sees her.

"Hey, Jess!", he says a little too excitedly, and she waves back at him and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 

Her voice cracks. "H-Hey, hey, I haven't seen you since," she says, and then she remembers  _the party_ and  _the kiss_ and -- "Yeah. How are you?"

He cracks his knuckles and guides her over to a booth in the back of the bar. "Thank you for doin' this," he says before they sit down.

"I acted a bit in high school," she says with a laugh. "Mostly like, "Tree In Background" in all of the plays, but..."

He nods. "Do you need like, background information?"

Jess widens her eyes. "That might help."

Before he tells her anything, he has Big Bob pour them two Manhattans, and then he brings them back over to the table.

"Thanks," Jess says, tracing her fingers over the rim of the cup. "Okay, go."

"I freaked out and told my mom I was married," he says first. "My douchebag of a brother "forgot" to give me a Plus One to his wedding, and I was pissed, so I said, 'Ma, I got married at City Hall' and, well, yeah."

"So now she thinks you have a wife."

"So now she thinks I have a wife." 

—

"Jess," he says when he walks into the loft -- Okay, stumbles. He's drunk. "Is cool."

Cece's chopping vegetables in the kitchen, and Schmidt and Winston are on the couch playing a video game.

"Well, duh, she's the coolest," says Cece. "So. Is she gonna help you out, or did you screw this up too?"

Nick slams the front door, and then he walks over to the counter and grabs a bunch of baby carrots off of the tray Cece's using. "I didn't mess anything up," he says, popping a carrot into his mouth and chewing. "Jess wants to help me. Mostly because she's a sucker for weddings."

"Of course. She cries every time, without fail."

"Great," Nick says, and then he waltzes into the living room and plops down on the couch between Schmidt and Winston.

"Guys," he yell-whispers. "I'm  _married_. Before either of you Sons of Bitches."

—

Jess thinks he doesn't know enough about her, and she's right, she is, but...  _Index cards_?

"Are those like, necessary, Jess?", Nick asks, and Jess already plops a stack of cards in front of him. 

"Read those. I'll give you twenty-four hours, but then I'm quizzing you. You better study."

"Come on Jess, just tell me like, five facts," he pleas, but Jess isn't having it. "Fine. I'll read the damn cards."

—

"What movie do I cry over, without fail, every time my heart is a little bit broken?"

"Dirty Dancing. Or Ghost. Crap, I mixed the cards up. Was it -- It was Dirty Dancing, right?"

"Yes. Am I an only child?"

"No. You have one sister, Abby, but she's been arrested so many times that you like to pretend you're an only child. Next."

"Correct. She's crazy, and even though you're my husband, you're never, ever meeting her."

"Any more questions, or can we stop?"

Jess laughs on the other end of the phone, and Nick won't tell her how nice her laugh is, because that's weird, because are laughs even nice? 

"We can stop," she says. "And hey, Nick, if we -- If we have to like, sell it to your family, I'll -- I can do that."

He doesn't ask what she means, even though he knows. "Thanks, Jess. Um. Goodnight."

—

Nick and Schmidt and Cece and Winston fly to Chicago together, and Jess's flight is two hours later, because she couldn't get a seat on their flight in such short notice.

They wait two hours at the airport, even though everyone is hungry, and Schmidt refuses to pee in airport bathrooms, and Winston's phone is dead and he doesn't have a charger.

"Jess!", Nick calls when she exits her gate, and she keeps one hand on the handle of her luggage and uses the other one to wave everyone down.

Everyone follows Nick to Jess, and Cece embraces her best friend and says, "Thanks for doing this, babe. I know they're all super annoying."

Jess wrinkles her nose and Nick thinks she's looking at him when she does, but he doesn't say anything. "They're not too bad." 

Cece extends out her left hand and wiggles off her engagement ring, and then hands it to Jess. "You can wear mine for the weekend," she says. "Don't let anything happen to it, or Schmidt'll kill me. And then himself."

"It cost an amount that makes me weep like a little baby whenever I think about it," he says, leaning over Cece and Jess. "Come on, let's go to Bonnie's. I have to urinate.  _Bad_."

—

Bonnie cries when they get to Nick's childhood home. No, like, legit, throws her arms around the group and flails and cries. "Winston! I love you more than my son sometimes,  _especially_ because he didn't tell me he was married." Winston snickers in Nick's direction, and Nick just rolls his eyes. "And Cece, Schmidt, you just -- What a beautiful couple. Wait." She grabs onto Cece's left hand and shoots her a look, and then, "Where's your ring, honey?"

"It's..." Cece looks at Schmidt, because he's better at improvising.

"...Getting another diamond added to it," Schmidt says, almost bitterly, because  _no_ , no it's not.

"Oh." Bonnie shrugs and drops her arms, and then she looks at Jess, who's backed into a corner by the front door. "Come, honey, come! I want to get to know Nick's wife, even though he hid her from me for -- How long have you two crazy kids been together?"

"Four months."

"A year."

Bonnie looks confused, and Nick shoots a silent,  _Way to go, Jess_ , in Jess's direction. "We _met_ a year ago, but we got together four months ago, officially, and then, well... You know how it is."

"I actually don't," Bonnie says, wrapping an arm around her son. "Tell me everything."

Nick says, "Later, Ma, later. We gotta unpack and stuff, so..."

Jess shrugs, though, and then she says, "It's a good story", with emphasis.

Nick slides an arm around her waist and grabs onto her luggage and whispers, "Not  _that_ good."

"It can be as good as we want it to be, Nick," she whispers back, and then Nick takes her upstairs to his bedroom.

—

Bonnie makes the five of them dinner, and they all eat on the couch because Miller's don't see "the need for a dining room" and their dining room table is just filled with unpaid bills and lots of junk mail and Jamie and DeAnn's unfinished wedding favors.

Jess almost sits down next to Cece, until Nick's like, "Babe.  _Babe_. Babe.", but Jess is not Nick's 'babe', just his pretend-babe, and --

"Oh! Sorry, babe, I didn't even see you sit down," she lies, and then she grabs her plate off of the coffee table and sits right between Nick and Winston, sure to place a hand on Nick's knee when she does. 

Nick wrinkles his nose at her and touches her knee back. 

"Both of my boys," Bonnie says, "are married. I can't believe it."

Schmidt widens his eyes and says, "Yeah! Neither can we! It's almost like it never happened!"

Nick almost spits out his pasta, glaring at Schmidt. "Is it so unbelievable, though?", he asks bitterly. "Is it?"

Jess doesn't know what to do, so she just steadies her plate in her lap and rubs a hand down Nick's leg, leaning in and smooching his cheek.

His face gets hot, and then his mom goes, "Aww", and Cece and Schmidt and Winston just  _sit there_. 

"Sorry," Jess whispers through her teeth once Bonnie is too busy asking Winston why he doesn't visit more. ( _Really?_ )

"Jess, it's okay," Nick assures her. "You're my ol' lady now. You can kiss my cheek if you want to, no big deal, not a problem."

"Is it really 'no big deal', though?", she asks, and Nick shakes his head. "You're getting all red. If you don't -- If you don't want me to kiss you in front of your mom, I won't."

"Who wants seconds?", Bonnie asks, standing up and clapping her hands together. Only Winston raises his hand, and Bonnie says, "Great. When I get back, I want to hear about how  _you two_ got together."

"Why us, Ma?", Nick asks. "Schmidt and Cece's story is good, too."

"No it's not," she says. "They met, they screwed behind you two's back, they dated, they broke up, they screwed again, Cece almost got married to that small Indian man, that didn't happen, they dated, they broke up, they... I think they screwed again. Whatever. Boring."

Cece and Schmidt both press their lips together and nod.

"Well, look at the memory on you, Bonnie," Schmidt says. "I agree. We're boring. I want to hear Nick's story."

Nick waves a hand in protest, up until Jess says, "Why don't we tell it, babe?"

Nick nods then, and then he looks at his mom, who looks more-than-eager to hear it. "We met at a bar."

"So typical," says Schmidt, leveling a hand at Nick. "I mean, where else would Nicholas meet his future spouse? Not at an art gallery, I'll tell you that."

" _Anyway_ ," Nick says, ignoring Schmidt, "we met, and at first, we didn't like each other. Mostly -- Mostly because she had a boyfriend, and I tried to kiss her, --"

"Again: Typical Nick," Schmidt interrupts.

"Shut up or I'm booking you the next flight home, man," Nick threatens.

" _Anyway_ \--" It's Jess this time, and she pats a hand on Nick's kneecap to let him know she's got it from here. "He tried to kiss me, and I ran away, but then a few months later, we ran into each other at the bar again, and well..."

"We got together, and then we just figured we wasted enough time screwing around, so we... We had a quickie wedding at City Hall."

"That's it?", asks Bonnie, and Jess and Nick both kind of nod in-sync with one another.

" _That's it_ ," says Schmidt, "and the bastard didn't even invite us."

"She -- She makes me happy, Ma," Nick adds, and Jess sets her fork down in her plate and looks at him without saying anything. "I'm sorry I didn't invite you to the wedding, any of you, but I just couldn't -- I couldn't be around Jess for another day and not be her husband."

Cece and Schmidt and Winston look impressed, and Nick's mom looks touched, a hand over her heart and an, "Aww".

Jess makes it a little more realistic then, leaning into Nick with no warning and kissing his top lip. He widens his eyes in reaction, but then he kisses her back, hand-in-her-hair, inching his face into her face. 

"Save that for after dinner, you animals!", yells Schmidt.

Winston nudges Cece and says, "Good acting, am I right?", and she nods.

"Anyway," says Jess once she pulls away from Nick, "it's late, and I'm sleepy."

Bonnie frowns when her son and his "wife" stand up. "Already? But there's pie."

"Sorry, Ma," Nick apologizes. "I gotta get this one to bed."

—

Jess slams Nick's bedroom door shut, and then he says, "Lock it", because Bonnie will be  _very concerned_ if she walks in in the middle of the night and finds her son on a sleeping bag on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Nick. I know you're mad."

"Mad? No, I'm just..." He shakes his head and toes off his shoes, and then goes for the buckle on his belt. 

"Whoa! Don't you have a bathroom to do that in?", Jess asks, and Nick looks down to his pants helplessly. "You can't change in front of me, Nick."

"You're right, that I can't." He puffs out his cheeks and re-clasps his belt buckle and stands up from the edge of his bed. "That story was a mess, Jess."

"Maybe, but she bought it." She's digging through her suitcase for a set of pajamas, and she pulls out this ridiculous, two-piece, heart-patterned set. 

"You're wearing  _that_ to bed?", Nick asks, and he doesn't mean to sound harsh, but --

"What's wrong with  _this_?", Jess says, holding the pajamas in each hand, balled up. "Pajama sets are all I own."

"Nothing's wrong with them, just... My wife would wear like, my raggedy old t-shirts to bed, I'm imagining."

Jess shudders at the thought. "Maybe your second wife," she teases, and Nick just gives up. "Nick, are you sure you don't want the bed? I kind of like sleeping bags."

Nick protests. "Nah, it's okay, just take the bed," he says.

"It's a big bed," Jess says after a few seconds of silence, and Nick is just looking at her. "What? Come on, you can sleep next to me, I don't bite. Or kick, or steal the covers, even."

It takes Nick another few seconds, but then he says, "You know what. Alright. Just. Okay, Jess."

—

Jess puts on her ridiculous, heart-shaped,  _ridiculous_ pajamas, and she insists that it's freezing and the three blankets Nick has on his bed already aren't enough. He tiptoes into the room Winston's staying in and steals a blanket off of him, and then he re-enters his room and drapes it over Jess. "Happy?", he asks.

" _Very_ ," she says with a laugh. "Now come to bed. I can't sleep if you're like... walking around."

Nick hasn't done this in forever -- slept next to a girl, in the same bed,  _just sleep_. It was Caroline, maybe, and that was forever ago, and Caroline wasn't as warm as Jess is, Caroline didn't wear pajama sets.

"You know...", Jess says when Nick thinks she's asleep, "I wanted to kiss you the night of Cece's birthday party, too, a little."

Nick's confused, and then he says, "Wait, but you had a boyfriend."

"Yeah, I did, which is why I freaked out and ran away, because  _I wanted to_ , and I couldn't, and -- Just forget I said anything, OK? Like. Pretend that, just now, I, Jessica C. Day, did not open up my mouth, and words did not come out."

Nick brushes a hand over her forearm. Instinct. Or not. Whatever. He just has to touch her for a second. "I didn't mind kissing you down there, you know."

"Shh. Go to sleep, Nick," she says, and then she's out.

—

Bonnie brings them breakfast in bed in the morning. Pancakes and toast and cut up little strawberries in the shape of a heart on a plate the size of Nick's face.

"For you two lovebirds," she says when she sets the tray down on their laps, and then she looks to the floor and squints at the sleeping bag. "Who does that belong to?"

"Umm... Winston," Nick says. "He's scared of the dark." 

"O...kay," Bonnie says skeptically, and then she looks to Jess. "You do like breakfast foods, don't you, hon?"

"Oh, do I?", Jess jokes, grabbing one of the forks off of the tray. "Bonnie, you might've stolen my heart more than your son did."

"We love breakfast," says Nick. "This one cooks for me every morning."

Bonnie looks surprised, and then Jess says, "He cooks dinner for me every night, so we're even. You should see the things this one can do with a good cutting board."

"What can I say, I'm one of the more talented Miller's."

Bonnie reaches down and squeezes Nick's cheeks hard, and she says, "Damn right you are, Nicky."

When she leaves the room, she leaves the door half-open. Nick pops a strawberry in his mouth, and Jess is on her second pancake.

"Do you cook me like... bacon? Fancy eggs?"

"They're called omelettes, Nick," Jess says, "and yes. I'm a very devoted wife."

—

It's Saturday, and Jamie's wedding is tomorrow, so no one is home and Nick can take a much-needed break from Make Believe for a few hours.

Jess is reading a book in his bed when he gets out of the shower, towel still draped over his shoulders, just a pair of plaid pajama bottoms on.

"Hey," she says, not even looking up from her book. "What's up?"

"Nothin'," he says back. "Hey, where's your ring?"

Jess shrugs, nodding over to the side table. "I took it off. Cece has smaller fingers than I do. It hurts."

"I should've gotten you a better decoy ring," he says like he's ashamed. "Next time, I'll prepare better."

"Yeah. Humph.  _Next time_. Not a chance, Miller." She picks her book higher up, scanning the pages, and then sets it down. "Your family is great, Nick."

"No they're not," he says, and he means it. His family's always been like... decently average, at best. "But you've been a good wife, so, thank you."

"Yeah, no problem," she says with a laugh. "I think your mom is pissed we had a City Hall wedding, though. Maybe we should re-do it and invite her this time."

"Jess?" She nods. "Shut up."

"Got it."

—

Nick brings her a coffee and a donut, and he asks her to sit out in the backyard with him even though it's like, forty degrees and they might, "Get frostbite and die, or whatever".

Jess says, "Sure", and then she grabs her coat and throws it on over the pajamas she's still wearing at 3 P.M. 

"So. I have a question," she says, her coffee cup hovering on her lips.

"Shoot, Jess."

"Why was it so important to you to tell your mom you were married? Not -- Not that I mind pretending to be anyone's wife, because I don't know, acting is kind of a secret talent of mine, along with a Daffy Duck impression, knitting scarves in a scary short period of time, and being really talented at D.I.Y. projects that involve glitter."

Nick's looking at the snow in his backyard, at the empty sky, at the plate of donuts on the table. He's not looking at Jess, though. "I don't know, because -- When you're over thirty and you're not, you know,  _there_ , it just -- It sucks when everyone else around you is."

Jess doesn't know what to do, so she does what she'd do for anyone else and places her hand on top of Nick's, rubbing his knuckles with her fingers.

"It's like... I don't want to be alone, and I  _definitely_ don't want them to know I'm alone, because Jamie will make fun of me for the rest of my life."

"The boyfriend I  _did_ have, back in October, he --" She gulps, and then she lifts her coffee cup down. "We were together for six years. Do you know how long that is?"

"Well..." Nick hates to be obvious, but. "Six... years?"

" _Six years_ ," Jess repeats, and then she does the thing with her fingers, holds up five fingers in one hand and one finger in the other, flashing them in Nick's face. "One day, he decided to cheat on me, even when I was dressed as Rebecca Johnson, --"

"Rebecca Johnson? Should I ask?", Nick says, stifling a laugh.

"Probably not. It was a bad stripper name. Anyway, after six years, I was no good for Spencer anymore, and I'm just... What if that happens again?"

Nick bites the inside of his cheek, and he wants to be honest with her. He wants to tell Jess that life sucks, and people like Caroline and Spencer just  _leave_ , and sometimes you just have to... fake a marriage. 

"What, Nick?", she asks after what feels like a decade of silence.

"Even though you're my wife, I don't know you very well, but I do know that you're worth it, Jess."

—

Jamie stops by at four, because he just  _needs_ to meet his big bro's ol' lady. 

"Whoa, you're a lot hotter than I thought Nick could do!", Jamie says, nudging his brother. "Congrats, bro."

"I'm Jess," she says, ignoring Jamie's pig-ness, holding out a hand. "Congratulations on the wedding."

"You too, even though it was a quickie and my brother probably enforced a dress code of 'Pajamas'."

Jess says, "Well, actually, the pajamas were my idea, soo...", and Jamie thinks she's serious.

"Alright, stop ogling my wife, man," Nick says after Jamie looks at Jess for two-seconds-too-long. "Jess, come on, let's go upstairs."

—

"In Sickness and In Health and In, 'I Screwed Up', right?"

Jess peeks her head in his bedroom, and he dozed off for a little bit there, but now he's awake and she's pacing in circles by his bed.

"You did  _what_? Slow down, Jess, slow down." He sits up and pushes the covers off of himself and promises her he's not mad. 

"I took it off for  _two seconds_ , and then I -- Okay, I'm good with yarn, but I'm not good with teeny, tiny,  _expensive_ engagement rings."

"What did you  _do_." He doesn't even ask it like a question. "Jessica."

"I dropped..," she says, and now she's crying, and Nick's not good at dealing with tears, even if they're his "wives'". "I dropped Cece's engagement ring down your bathroom sink."

"That's not a big deal, that's -- Wait. Down the... the sink."

"Like... all the way down. Whoosh. Water, ring go bye-bye, in sink, Jess can't find. It's a big deal, Nick."

Nick stands up now, and now  _he's_ pacing. "That's... I'll just -- I'm not handy with plumbing!"

"Is Winston?" Nick shakes his head. "What about Schmidt?" Nick mouths a, ' _Really?!_ '.

"I have to ask Jamie, he's -- He's good at this shit. When we were twelve and fourteen, I flushed his weed down the toilet and he managed to retrieve it."

"Wow, and  _ew_ , but... Okay. Ask Jamie, and ask him fast."

—

Jamie's in the living room with Cece and Winston, and Jess and Nick race down the stairs at the same time, both of them out of breath as they get to Jamie. 

"WE -- RING -- IN --"

"RING DOWN DRAIN. SINK. HELP."

Jamie's like, "Wait, your ring fell down the drain?", to Jess, and she nods in a panic.

Cece realizes what's going on a second later and without thinking, stands up and yells, "YOU DROPPED MY RING DOWN THE SINK, JESS?!"

"I... Cece, just... Calm down."

From the kitchen, there's a wail, and then the drop of some silverware, and oh! Here comes Schmidt. Great! "Jessica, tell me my ears are lying to me."

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?", yells Jamie, and then Bonnie comes out from her room and asks the same exact thing. "Who's ring is in our drain, bro?"

Schmidt wastes no time and faints, right there, hand-over-his-head, and thank God Winston's experienced when it comes to Schmidt Fainting On Hard Surfaces, because he catches him in his grip and fans him off.

"Cece, I'm sorry. I was washing my hands and I took it off because it -- Okay, I'm sorry, but your fingers are unusually small, or something, and it always gets stuck on me, and -- I'm sorry, Ceec, I obviously didn't mean to drop your engagement ring down the drain."

Bonnie interrupts. "Wasn't your ring getting an extra diamond?", she asks, and Cece just shamefully shakes her head.

Schmidt's done being dramatic, and he stands up in Winston's hold. "Well, I guess you have to come clean now, don't you guys?"

Nick's back is sweating. (Yeah, okay, that happens when he's caught in a legitimate Web of Lies, whatever.) "Come clean about... Oh. JESS, DID YOU STEAL CECE'S RING?"

Jess widens her eyes and drops her jaw and goes, "What?!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!," Nick says, obviously enjoying his own dramatics.

"Nick, stop, just." Jess drops her head, and then she shamefully looks around the room, stopping at Bonnie. "B-Bonnie, uh, Mrs. -- Mrs. Miller," she says, her voice cracking. "I didn't steal Cece's ring and drop it down the drain. No, wait, that's -- That's exactly what I did. I stole Cece's ring and tried to pass it off as my ring, but Nick and I, we --"

Bonnie holds up a hand at Jess to stop her, and then she narrows her eyes at her son. "Nicky, what the hell is going on?"

"Ma, I don't... Can this wait?"

Everyone says, "Not really".

"Fine, but -- Okay, I was gonna ask you not to be pissed at me, but you're gonna be pissed at me. You too, Jamie."

"Are you actually engaged to  _her_?", Jamie asks, and he checks out Cece who just snickers at him. "Because if you were, I wouldn't knock ya', man. I mean, that  _cleavage_."

"Hey, Jamie?" Schmidt steps forward, but then he backs away, because, well, he's  _Schmidt_. "I was going to threaten you with my hands, but I got scared. Anyway, just know that I know about that time you wet your pants on the bus when you were eleven-years-old, and I  _will_ use that against you."

"I'm not engaged to Cece! No, I'm -- I'm single," Nick says. "Like, sadly, stupidly, No Plus One single."

"Is that true?", Bonnie asks, and she's (obviously) heartbroken. "Nicky, you and Jess aren't married?"

"No, Ma, Jess and I barely know each other," he admits, and all of his friends look sad for him because his plan just turned to shit and he's also going to die alone, and stuff. 

"You two  _looked_ like you knew each other," Bonnie says. "Pretty well, actually."

Jess raises her hand subtly then, mumbles, "I  _was_ an actor in high school, so."

"No, you weren't, Jess. You were 'Tree In Background'. But -- but you  _were_ a good wife, so, uh. Thanks."

Jess salutes Nick teasingly, until she feels the room and lifts her hand off of her forehead. "Sorry, too soon, too soon."

"Then why did you lie?", Bonnie asks, and she sounds legitimately concerned for her son. Winston's all, "Should we leave the room?", and Schmidt just sort of walks back into the kitchen and brings Cece with him.

Nick shakes his head and tries to say 'sorry' again, but he just says, "I -- I don't know, Ma, but I did."

Jess looks at Bonnie and then at Jamie, and then at Nick. She tugs her bottom lip with her teeth and says, "Come on, this isn't all Nick's fault. I mean, I don't know, I lied too, right?"

Jamie says, "It was kind of obvious. I mean, you're  _way_ too hot for my bro. If I weren't gettin' married tomorrow..."

"Cool it, dude," Nick says, holding a hand up to his brother.

Jess plays with the buttons on her cardigan and clears her throat. "Bonnie, Jamie, I'm sorry. You guys let me stay in your home because you thought I was married to Nick. Bonnie, you cooked me  _breakfast_. And it was  _good_. I'm serious; I'm a solid critiquer of breakfast foods, but there was nothing to critique about yours. Just... I'm sorry."

—

Jamie doesn't un-invite Jess to the wedding, but Bonnie does say, "Nicky, this means you need to mingle now. Dance with some of DeAnn's single girlfriends."

It's midnight now, and Jess is looking at Baby Nick Photos with Cece and Schmidt and Winston in the living room, which is Nick's cue to go upstairs.

"Hey bro," Jamie says, and he knocks on the door but he comes in at the same time he knocks, which totally defeats the knocking. Whatever. "You good?"

Nick says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Did you manage to get Cece's ring out of the drain?"

Jamie pockets his hands and puffs his cheeks. "Good as new. Hey, listen, I don't know why you thought you had to fake a marriage, but I would've bought it if your fake wife didn't drop Cece's ring down the drain."

"Yeah, no, you wouldn't have, bro," Nick insists.

"No, I mean it. You look at Jess like I look at DeAnn."

Nick's face gets hot. "No I don't, Jamie."

"Dude, a girl who'd happily fake to be your wife for the weekend is a girl who  _probably_ wants Nick Miller, for real."

—

Jess comes to his bedroom at 1 A.M., and Nick's already tucked in his sleeping bag.

"Hey." She's holding up something, but his vision isn't exactly the best, so he squints at it and then gives up. "What the hell is that?"

"Baby Nick. 1984. Are you wearing a tutu?"

He laughs and climbs out of the sleeping bag. "Gimme! Oh, wow, look, I was. Neat."

"Your family is... You know, so nice for inviting me to the wedding, still."

"Yeah, well, they like ya', Jess," he says, scrunching his nose. "I'm glad you're still here."

Jess zips the zipper of her hoodie -- his hoodie, from high school, one he found at the back of his closet when she was cold before. "I like them too," she says, and then she sits at the edge of his bed. "And I like you too, which is why I would've happily faked being Mrs. Nicholas Miller all weekend. Before, you know, I screwed it up."

Nick sits on the edge of his bed, too. "I'm messed up everywhere, Jess. I mean, who  _does that_? Who recruits a -- You know, who recruits a beautiful, single, pajama-set-wearing woman to be his Pretend Wife because he's too lame to get an actual one?"

She just shakes her head slowly. "I-I don't think you're too lame to get an actual wife," she says.

Nick wants to kiss her, not press-her-up-against-a-car-because-it's-sexy kiss her, just... kiss her. 

He doesn't, though. 

"Nick?", she asks, and he nods. "Be honest."

He nods again.

"You're scared of being alone, right?"

He bites the inside of his cheek, and then he just looks at Jess. "You won't say anything if I say 'yes', right? Winston's gonna call me lame, and Schmidt'll give me a speech about how, 'I'm the last piece of pie', and -- Yeah, Jess, I am."

Jess's cheeks are pink, and he won't say out loud how cute she is in pajama sets because that's  _weird_. She inches into him a little more. "I know, but I can make sure you're not alone," she says, and he's too nervous to ask her what the hell she means by that.

—

Don't ask Nick how he fell asleep in his bed, with Jess, hugging Jess,  _this close_ to Jess.

But he did, and now it's eight in the morning and everyone's frantically running around the house getting ready for the Church ceremony, and Schmidt volunteers to wake Nick's ass up.

"Oh, whoa, well, well, well, what do we have here?", he asks, pushing Nick's bedroom door open. "Nicholas, did you bone your Fake Wife, you minx?"

Nick frantically wakes himself up and pulls him arm out from underneath Jess. It's stiff. Ow. "What?! Shut up! No, Schmidt, get out!"

Jess stirs next to him and yawns, and then she sits up. "H-Hey. Wedding day!", she cheers, and her voice is all low and sleepy and -- Ugh. Nick's thinking about how nice someone sounds in the morning. Jesus.

"That's right, Jess," says Schmidt, and then he invites himself in and sits on the edge of Nick's bed, not wary of the fact that he's literally sitting on top of two people's legs. "Sorry!," he apologizes when Jess tells him to get off. "That's what you get for dropping Cece's ring down the bathroom sink."

"You're right, I deserved it," she says, and then she catches the way Nick's arm is positioned, and that it must've been around her body at some point, and -- "Um. Schmidt. Get out. I have to get dressed."

"What, so Nick gets to watch but I don't?", he asks as if she offended him or something.

" _Out_ ," she repeats.

"Hey, Jess, morning," Nick says once Schmidt's gone.

"Nick, hey, I -- How did we fall asleep in bed together?"

"Honestly," he laughs, "I think I put you to sleep by boring you with the story about how I got the scar on my back."

"Legally dead for ten minutes," she says, pointing a finger at him. "I fell asleep somewhere after that. Maybe when you were describing the party you and Schmidt had for your ten-year anniversary of living together."

"Tinfinity! Yeah, probably somewhere around then," he agrees.

"Are you  _sure_ you two aren't into each other?", she asks, her eyes narrowed.

"I can see why it's questionable, but absolutely not."

They're both quiet for a minute, and then Cece knocks at Nick's door and says, "Jess, I still have your dress, come on."

Nick nods. "You should go. I have to get ready anyway, so..."

Jess stands up out of bed, but before she can, Nick tugs her back down by the wrist. "What, Nick?"

"Just... What did you mean when you said, "I can make sure you're not alone"? It's kind of been bugging me since you did."

Jess rubs her lips together and says, "I just don't think you're going to be alone, Nick. That's all."

"No, but you -- You didn't say it like that, Jess."

"Yes I did." He shakes his head. "How did I say it, then, Nick?"

"I don't  _know_ , Jess, that's why I'm asking you."

"I-I have to go get my dress from Cece," she says, and then she walks out of his bedroom.

—

She's not his Fake Wife anymore, but he thinks he's still allowed to whistle at her before everyone gets in the car for the Church.

"What was that about, Miller?", she asks when everyone else is already piled into Bonnie's car. 

"You just look really good in that dress, Jess," he says, and then he squeezes into the backseat next to Jess and Cece and Schmidt.

—

They watch Jamie and DeAnn get married. The vows are short, but sweet, and Jamie promises to love DeAnn forever and ever and ever and DeAnn jokes that, "I put up with Jamie for this long, so what the heck."

Jess cries -- like, four Kleenexes deep, cries. Nick, by instinct, grabs onto her hand during the ceremony and says, "Nothing's sad, Jess."

"It's happy-sad", she says, like Nick's supposed to know what that is. "Like, I'm crying because I'm sad, but I'm sad because it's all so happy. Get it?"

"Not at all." He scrunches his nose and then Jamie and DeAnn kiss and then they're husband and wife, and, well, at least one Miller kid did it.

—

Bonnie name-drops her son to dozens of single girls, mostly DeAnn's friends, but each one that comes up to dance with Nick, he's all, "My legs actually don't work at weddings, so..."

Jess flicks him on the arm before they cut the cake. "Hey. Why did you reject that last girl? She tore it up during 'Cotton Eyed Joe'."

"Because... Jess, I don't care if you're not my Fake Wife anymore, but," he pauses, and then he takes a sip of his half-empty beer, because things have always come easier to Nick when he was a little drunk. (Girls, too.)

Jess sits down next to him, smoothing out her dress. She steals his beer off of the tabletop and takes a sip.

"Say it, Miller."

"I guess what I'm saying is, we should start from the beginning, Jess."

 


End file.
